Dear Reader, Don't Be a Douche.

I worked in social services for about 5 years.  It's one of those jobs that everyone goes into with good intentions.  But it's way more stressful than you would think.  

Government money must always be accounted for.  People who are there for the right reasons lash out because they are on their last dime and freaking out.  People who are there for the wrong reasons lash out because of a strange sense of entitlement.  It's enough to make a normal, everyday person go insane.

I worked that high stress job while I was pregnant with my daughter.  It was a terrible pregnancy with lots of sickness, gestational diabetes, lots of hospital visits for bleeding...it wasn't fun.  Add to that, we were going through an incredibly stressful custody battle over my oldest daughter whose birth parents kept trying to kidnap her (literally.  Like cops coming to the house and everything.).  Add onto THAT I had roughly a 2 hour commute every day, an employee who refused to be on time, another one who couldn't account for a LOT of money and I had to help her clean up the mess....and one day two of my employees decided to throw down in the office.

I.

Snapped.

To my credit, I didn't snap in the middle of the office.  I dragged their sorry butts into the back room to lay into them while waiting for MY boss to get there and help sort it out.  By the time she got there, she had to calm ME down because I was going ballistic on these employees.  I did the best I could in that moment, but everything....pregnancy, custody, exhaustion, high-stress job...it all came crashing down on me in that moment.

I was so grateful my boss gave me grace, because as their supervisor, I should have known better.  It was my job to maintain my cool, even when they didn't.

I can hear some of you thinking, "Well  yeah.  Of course.  You're human.  It's not unreasonable to snap sometimes."

Hey guess what?

Authors are human, too.  Sometimes they snap.  Sometimes it's not pretty.  And most times, instead of giving them grace for being human, we lash out and screenshot things they say in that "moment" and we do our best to put them on trial for one mistake that probably has NOTHING to do with us.

Even better, we see someone else lashing out and instead of getting all the information, we just jump on the bandwagon and try to crucify someone over a situation we know nothing about.

Case in point:

Recently, an author outed a bully who was harassing her daughter.  She took a screenshot of what the offender had said publicly and posted it on her Facebook page.  People immediately banded together to find this offender, who also happened to be an author, and ruin her.  I mean, it was nasty.

Here's where it gets interesting:

There are apparently 2 authors with the same name.  The one everyone was crucifying....WAS NOT THE BULLY.

Let me throw in a disclaimer here.  I 100% agree with the way the original author handled the situation.  This offender is an ADULT harassing a 15 year old CHILD.  This wasn't the first incident.  And it wasn't the first time the original author had tried to get it to stop.  It was a last resort.  She was completely within her right to handle it the way she did.  I would have done the same thing.

What I do NOT agree with, is people immediately grabbing their pitchforks and torches and going on a man hunt to find the perpetrator.  Who is the bully now?  The original bully?  Or the people rising up again someone they know nothing about because of a situation they know very little about?  (The original author did try to sort it out and publicly posted that people were going after the wrong person.  I don't know if it helped, but the effort didn't go unnoticed and unappreciated.)

In another recent case, an author had a bad day after a family member unwittingly stirred up a lot of public drama.  When a reader contacted her about it, she handled it in a less than stellar way.  That reader then went to her Facebook page and complained about an author being rude.  Ok fine.  But during the thread, the author's name was brought up and it got down right nasty.

After she had calmed down and handled the family member, the author then went on her page and publicly apologized to the reader.  She accepted responsibility for her actions, asked for forgiveness and ended by saying she had learned from her mistake and it wouldn't happen again.

Maybe too little, too late.  But I really appreciated the sentiment.  The reader who had been wronged, apparently did not.

She went BACK to her Facebook page and complained about how the author apologized to her and now she was getting people attacking her for not leaving the author alone and that she was pissed.

At this point, why is this still being publicly discussed?  Someone attempted to right a wrong and for THAT she's getting nasty things said about her?  And for goodness sake, why are people still taking it upon themselves to be in the middle of it when the author clearly stated she didn't want anyone to defend her?

Don't misunderstand.  There are authors out there who say inappropriate things and when they are called out, flat out refuse to see the error of their ways.  Some even go on and on and ON about how they have a right to say what they want.  Well, that's true.  It's terrible PR.  And it doesn't make me want to read any of those books.  Those people will just have to learn the hard way.  

But why do we continue to be angry at the people who try to  make amends?  Why does the witch hunt continue?  We still refuse to give people grace.  We continue to call them names and change our ratings on Goodreads to reflect our anger.  Anger that, let's face it, isn't really justified at all.  But we try to justify it by reminding everyone that "as a public figure they should know better!"  Really?

Think about this.  When a Hollywood actor comes into the limelight, there is an agent teaching him how to respond to negativity.  There is a publicist who creates all the PC responses to any drama.  There is a team that buffers the celebrity from all the nasty things that are said, which helps keep them focused on their job and out of the drama.

Indie authors don't get that.  When they are thrown into the public eye, it is with no training whatsoever on how to handle criticism.  They are self-published, for goodness sake!  So they go it alone.  And they make mistakes.  And they learn as they go.  And being that people who write books are typically a little more emotional than your average everyday person, it can also take them a little longer to build up that thick skin.

My point in all of this, is to take a step back when something is said online.  Is this really an atrocity that needs to rally the troops?  Or is this two people having a falling out, as people do regularly throughout life?  Do you need to be involved and to spread the drama?

Or do you need to give a little bit of grace, like my former boss did for me?

That author you wrote a review about may be going through a terrible custody battle over her daughter.  The blogger you send an email to pointing out something they wrote incorrectly may be in the hospital, afraid of losing her baby.  That reader you lashed out at may be in a low-paying, high-stress job trying to make ends meet, and you just happened upon her at the wrong moment.

So reader, blogger, author...don't be a douche.  A little grace can go a long way.  And a little forgiveness, when requested, can lead to some great friendships.

Here's to fewer witch hunts and more relationships!